Event Date

Sunday, March 24, 2024 - 08:30 pm

You matter at Boner Farms,

You’re hired!,

Extra Points for Bowl Cuts

-
-
-

-
– HELP WANTED —

Do you love dogs, and to a lesser degree, cats? And to a lesser degree, people? And to a lesser degree, obnoxious tourists?

Do you enjoy being observed by people from wealthier areas of this country as some kind of circus freak without dental benefits?

Are you numb to being constantly belittled, screamed at, and covered in spittle from power-mad, thin-skinned, red-faced blowhards?

If you read any of these questions, you may be a perfect fit for our Two Salty Dogs Pet Outfitters summer team. Apply now for one of the most challenging and rewarding positions you will ever have- even more than a lengthy prison term or being a multi-year hostage of the Taliban.

REQUIREMENTS
1) The successful candidate shall possess an advance degree from Harvard, The Sorbonne, UC Berkeley, Dartmouth, or similar. No Yale attendees or graduates need apply.

2) The successful candidate will demonstrate much better self-control and time management than any of the management.

3) The successful candidate will hold a seething, bitter, resentment towards authority and older people who think the boring parts of Monty Python are "still" funny.

4) The successful candidate shall have a tattoo in the shape of Two Salty Dog's Logo affixed permanently to their ass, at the ass-holder's expense.

TOO SALTY DAWG SKILZ:
a) Bandaging all scabs and running sores that won't heal during work hours.

b) "Diabetics" are not permitted to inject themselves with insulin in front of customers no matter how much the customers egg them on / pay them.

c) Showing up to work on-time, relatively sober and in a good mood. Or drunk in a good mood. Just show up in a good mood and on-time. Is that too much to ask?

d) Must be able to swallow their own bile whilst outwardly pretending to enjoy some random psychopath's political / social / economic tirade. but only if said psychopath is buying a lot of stuff. Especially in cash.

e) Candidate must be smart, but not so smart they understand their Constitutional Rights and Labor Laws.

f) Must refrain from stealing people's lunches and snacks in the communal fridge. Conversely, must not let their own past lunches turn the fridge into it's own biosphere or evolve new species protected by the Endangered Species Act.

g) Every tooth must be brushed on a daily basis before entering the premises. Mouthwash is encouraged throughout the day. Showering, changing of clothes, application of deodorant once a day before work is also required on a daily basis.

h) Speedos, Lycra bicycle shorts, camel-toe-revealing yoga pants, dung-cured overalls, nipple pasties, and / or Halloween masks are not acceptable attire. This is only a partial list of unacceptable attire.

i) The successful candidate shall be very cute, but not cuter than me.

j) The successful candidate shall not steal toilet paper and paper towels from the shop when we are nearly out. Help yourself when we reorder and there are plenty in our coffers.

COMPENSATION COMMENSURATE WITH EXPERIENCE: Compensation means "pay." Commensurate means "dependent" for you Jugheads out there. That means don't expect $30/hr as a manager if you can't tell me the brands of dog food we sell or which one of them has the lowest protein content in Guaranteed Analysis.

PERFECT POSITION:
For a sullen, low-stakes, clique-hating teen to expand their standing into a to a low-stakes, tawdry misanthropist.

For an application, please send a resume or several pages of prose / charcoal drawings explaining why I am the cutest pet store owner in all the land to don@twosaltydogs.net

WARNING: Despite all the chuckles in this ad, senses of humor are not valued by management.