KILL IT AT ONCE!!!!!!
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CONTACT REQUEST

First Name: Abbie
Last Name: Normal

Message: Hi there! I just bought a couple of your long catnip toys at the NJ Pet Expo several years ago for my cats and my parents, and all our cats love theirs! Unfortunately so does the new puppy - she chewed a little hole in ours before I noticed, and I was wondering if you had recommendations for how to patch it up in a kitty-safe way. We've only had it for a couple years and kept it in a bag for a few years because of moving + forgetfulness, so it's still got a lot of life in it and it feels a shame to replace it if we don't have to. If there is no good way to repair it, could we get a replacement? We really haven't used it all that much.

All the best, Abs.

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Dear Abutment,

I am on the edge of my seat. Why didn't your parents enjoy their catnip toys?

Did you try Pita Pit at the NJ Expo this year? Unbelievably delicious, and I believe this year they started a Loyalty Program. You definitely want to get in on that! He gives you three extra packets of tzatziki sauce for every fifth Falafel Supreme you buy. Just think of the BIG rewards you will be reaping in a mere 5 years!!!

Anyway, we sell a lot of long catnip toys at the New Jersey Pet Expo, so you'll have to forgive me. I've forgotten this specific sale to you and had to look it up in all the moldy boxes in our collapsing, condemned barn that my wife makes me keep for absolutely no reason (the receipts, not the barn). It took me hundreds of hours of my free time, and I committed genocide against several generations of earwigs, but I eventually found your original receipt.

The bad news is you declined our Catnip Toy Insurance of $57.95 on your $12.95 purchase. So unfortunately we cannot refund you the catnip toys under any circumstances.

Jamie Dimon -- the Humorously Satanic CEO of JP Morgan Chase would lose almost $1.50 if we reversed our decision. Jamie cannot afford to lose that revenue and the owner of Pita Pit can't afford to be cast into a brimstone-choked cauldron of wayward human souls again. Not with the going rate of top-notch tzatziki sauce.

With a refund out of the question, I then spent another 100 hours of my spare time researching the best way to repair your puppy-ravaged catnip toys. There again, I ran into trouble. Did you purchase a Model U-572/EE9 style Long Catnip Toy, or the Model C-226/B style Long Catnip Toy? As your purchase was several years ago, the receipt is not clear. It is extremely important you find out which Long Catnip Toy you have. I cannot stress this enough.

The nuclear reactors for both units look exactly the same, but the control rods on the U-572/EE9 Model can get jammed or jolted with a hard-hitting knitting needle or wayward crochet hook. This could potentially result in a Chernobyl-like explosion of the sarcophagus into the lower exosphere, killing all life within a 20-mile radius. Interestingly, I found the explosion would kill ALL life within that 20-mile radius including bacteria, viruses and prions. That's assuming you consider viruses and prions a form of life. Most scientists don't. Isn't that interesting?

Of course this is the most extreme case. An ill-placed needle and thread would most likely only result in a slow radioactive leak from the fuel rods of either unit. It would merely result in you, your cats, and your parents slowly turning into freakish mutants suffering from horrible pain, radiation burns, and chromosome destruction.

So send along the model(s) of your Long Catnip Toys as soon as possible and I will send you the Department of Atomic Energy's detailed Long Catnip Toy Repair pamphlet.

See you at Pita Pit next year!!!

~ Don (Who Has Not Been to New Jersey for Over 10 Years) Not a Dog

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