Dear Moran (sic),

I've been reading your newsletters for over a year. Why do you always have problems with women? Every month you're in a fight with some woman in your shop. I have to wonder whether you're a misogynist.

The other thing I'd like to say is that the quality of your newsletters is getting really bad. It feels like all you do is throw together a bunch of ambiguous 70's and 80's photos together to get a cheap chuckle from your confused followers. For the rest of the newsletter, you just belittle people and throw some photos of your dogs in there to even out the hate.

For example, your last Harbor Dog Story, "Contemporary Boothbay Harbor Folklore for Dummies" had nothing to do with dogs or pets, or animals of any kind. In ANY capacity. It's a weak story when measured by any yardstick.

The shtick is no longer funny. YOU are no longer funny.

You should focus on the positive aspects of your store and write blogs about training, grooming, and how to tell what your dog is thinking by their body language. Leave the misogyny and negativism for your personal diary, ok?

Signed,
Pam Dawber

Dear Phoebe (sic),

Before you wrote this email, did you consider the irony of becoming my latest misogynistic target by insulting me and accusing me of misogyny?

The demographics of my shop are clear. Almost three-quarters of my customers are women. Not only that, but my wife is 100% woman. It stands to reason that there would be a higher occurrence of women doing anything in my shop. Soiling themselves, turning into Werewolves, achieving Cold Fusion, or just labeling me a misogynist.

Furthermore, the quality of my newsletters has been dropping because I've recently gained the courage to stalk Nell Carter after being forced to watch over 500 hours of Charles in Charge!

Unfortunately, Nell Carter passed away in 2003 and I've been stalking the immensely entertaining and whip smart Scott Baio! See? Unlike you, I can stalk men as well as women.

Phoebe, I will accept your apology for being a misandrist and accusing me of being a misogynist on the following conditions:

You write one.

Once I receive your apology, I'll call off the the snapping turtles. Not a second before.

And thank you for making my bowel movements so colorful.

~ Don (Not a Dog)

DEAR DIARY: Some snotty, whiny, stuck-up, nag called me a misogynist today. Her email went on and on about how I should use my lack of writing talents to develop her version of a scorchingly mediocre world. I'm pretty certain she thinks Eye Exams are far too stimulating for the General Public.

MENTOS, DEMENTOS, EXCREMENTOS, SEDIMENTOS, APARTMENTOS, INSTRUMENTOS, EXPERIMENTOS, PARLIAMENTOS, ARGUMENTOS, COMPLIMENTOS, DOCUMENTOS, DEPARTMENTOS, DISEMBOWELMENTOS, DISCONTENTMENTOS, ENVIRONMENTOS, GOVERNMENTOS, MOMENTOS, SUPPLEMENTOS, DISAPPOINTMENTOS, ANNOUNCEMENTOS, INSTALLMENTOS, DISFIGUREMENTOS, EMBARRASSMENTOS, PIGMENTOS, FUNDAMENTOS, PARLIAMENTOS, TEMPERAMENTOS, MUTANTOS, ARMAMENTOS, ELEMENTOS, SEDUCEMENTOS, ATONEMENTOS, MENTOSALITY, LAMENTOS, FOMENTOS, DR. DEMENTO, MOMENTOSARILY, CEMENTOS, PIMENTOS....

I SWEAR TO YOU, DIARY. I DID NOT USE THE DICTIONARY LIKE LAST TIME!!!!!!!

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