Who needs a movie when you have a neighbor who likens themselves to Barbie and calls the police every single time you overindulge in Taco Bell's Customer Appreciation Day and send wicked gas onto her property?

In other things- we've finally shed a lot of our ungrateful, lazy, dotard, underage employees like Lyle. Last year he gave me a bottle of Bushmills and a long, rambling manifesto titled "TO MY EVIL BOSS..."

I didn't call the police.

This year, Lyle gave me two bottles of Bushmills upon parting-- a sign of his desperation to remain employed in the thriving Boothbay Harbor pet industry next year.

Thankfully they (the bottles) were without Lyle's traditional, manically-written, micro-scripted manifesto of the previous year.

I honestly couldn't read Lyle's whole manifesto from last year. Not only am I old and blind, but I'm also disinterested in anything young people are doing. It always seems like it's a different manifestation of the same upbeat life lessons they've been squawking about since I was a reprehensible child making black flowers in art class and in contempt of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.

Legitimate Question: How did Lyle get those bottles of whiskey when he is only 16?

Answer: He's from Texas where Federal law is merely a suggestion.

Lyle also said that my FREE August Newsletter was way too long. That's why he gets beaten up by his smarter brothers (RIGHT). Lyle couldn't even be bothered to open the August newsletter for 2 minutes. You’d think I sent him 500 pages of The Canterbury Tales with 20 “For Fun!” SAT questions. If you ask me, Lyle is a pathetic, over-stimulated, under-choked, hypocritical, manifesto-writing punk who needs to send me more whiskey ASAP.

I'd also like to thank all my other part-time summer employees for absolutely nothing: Grace Almighty, Desultory Logan, and a couple reluctant appearances by Reagan The Maleficent.

And what of Ivory? A local girl who may watch the shop when I go to Macau or Monte Carlo or some other gambling holiday where I can finally split two 5's without the house calling me stupid.

I present to you with trembling hands, our September newsletter, which is slightly less boring than televised tennis: https://mailchi.mp/twosaltydogs/the-salty-paws-september-2023-7226112

Have your hands tremble and extremities tingle every month by subscribing to our cutting edge newsletter that is slightly less boring than televised tennis: https://us8.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=0e5740287c6b4fe45247c8351&id=315369d469