WE LOVE HATE MAIL! - RAPID FIRE

Dear Mr. Max;

I am writing to inform you that the manager of your Boothbay Harbor location on September 10th, 2023 was extremely rude and unprofessional. We should have expected it, as there was reggae music playing in the store. Reggae music promotes DRUG USE!

When I asked the manager for the fourth time, "Is this all you have for Pugs?" he said, "No. I have 10,000 square feet of Pug-related $h!t next door. Also about 400 pugs."

I was flabbergasted that your employee would use such callous language and have that many pugs next door. It is prosecutable under ANIMAL HOARDING statutes in Maine. When I told him I was offended, he said I had the temperament of "...a viper addicted to its own venom."

My late husband and I visited all your shops in New England and found them charming and overflowing with Pug-related things. We regret to tell you that we will not be visiting your shops anymore.

Signed,
Some Crotchety Uptight Old Biddy
Blowinchunks, Delaware

Dear Crotchy,

Our manager assures us that you do indeed have the temperament of a "...viper addicted to its own venom." He also tells us that your breath smelled strongly of Beefeater Gin and Orange Tic Tacs at 10 in the morning.

Furthermore, your dead husband is not welcome in any of our locations without proper State and Federal corpse-carrying permits.

Best,

Spanky
CEO and Little Rascal

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Dear Mr. Max;

I dropped by your Boothbay Harbor location around 3pm on September 4th to get a fuzzy lobster for my mother-in-law's Japadootese -- (Japanese Chin, Goldendoodle, Maltese) back in Polypsburg PA and the shop was CLOSED! The sign said the shop was supposed to be open until 5pm!

Not only am I furious that your company wasted my time, I wonder what example you are sending to the youth of this great nation. They deserve examples of healthy work ethics!

I shudder for the future.

Signed,
Stickler for the Rules

Dear Sticky,

Our manager clearly states in his report that he left a sign in the window that said, "Sorry! Mother's bus skidded off an overpass and into the Maine State Sanctuary for Aggressive Polecats. My Mom and the the survivors are being attacked relentlessly, and I have a toothpick caught in my throat. Opening tomorrow at 10am as usual."

We agree that the manager did not follow protocol when his mother's bus fell off an overpass. He should have filled out a Form 1711E-90F and notified corporate so we could send over an AI robot to tazer potential burglars.

Rest assured we will force the manager to "Kiss the Gunner's Daughter" where he is tied across an iron cannon with his buttocks exposed where they will be flayed with a cat-o'-nine-tails until the corporate "Two Salty Dogs" tattoo is completely removed from his ribboned flesh. That is company policy.

After that, we will drop off our ex-manager in "The Empty Quarter" of the Arabian Peninsula with only a toothbrush, a copy of "The Night Hal Linden Swallowed a Nail," and a neon-yellow Speedo with a purple heart on the butt.

We would like to thank you for bringing this to our attention and wish you success in the rest of your sniveling, self-absorbed life of being the biggest tattle-tale anyone has ever even heard of.

Best,

Buckwheat
CEO and Little Rascal

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To Whom It May Concern,

Last month's newsletter featured a photo of a half-naked man in his underwear taking a picture of himself. IT WAS DISGUSTING.

I immediately unsubscribed from your ghastly newsletter and issued a complaint with Maine's Attorney General to inform them of the FILTH that routinely flows from this newsletter.

And to think this newsletter can reach impressionable youth without their parents knowing! You should be locked up!

Signed,
Prudence Shagwell

Dear Shaggy

You mean this one?

Best,
Furlong Q. Poisontoad
CEO and Little Rascal

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Dear Two Salty Dogs:

I just wanted to let you know what a great time we had in your shop this summer! Such a cute store, and the collars look SO good on our two labs! The help was so friendly and knowledgeable! But the best was hanging out with Auggie and Marz!!! We will definitely be back next summer! Our Christmas presents are definitely coming from your website!!

Signed,
Newly Salty in Giardia NJ

Dear Newt,

I'm so glad all you smug bastards are back in the cesspools that spawned your minimally-conductive brain stems. Thanks for buying the collars, but do you understand the emotional toll it takes on me to be friendly to you? How maddening it is watching your ilk drive the wrong way down Commercial Street- oblivious to every soul screaming at you that you are going to kill somebody? And what about me having to politely wait in the "International Aisle" at the local Hannaford so you can spend 15 minutes choosing a ramen cup-o-soup?

Christmas be Damned Upon You.

Best,

Al Falfa
CEO and Little Rascal

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That's it. Get back to work.

I suggest you explore Newfoundland Canada and eat nothing but cod for a month. Or at least explore our shabby, last-minute, misspel’t, gluten-free, cod-free, monthly e-newsletter that brings shame to my family: https://mailchi.mp/twosaltydogs/the-salty-paws-october-2023

Subscribe and have a nice piece of e-cod sent to you on the first of every month (Metaphorical cod. Not literal cod): https://us8.list-manage.com/subscribe?u=0e5740287c6b4fe45247c8351&id=315369d469