CLICK ON THE CORRECT LINK OF SPECTRUM CEO MICHAEL "MIKE" BLAIR AND GET A $20 GIFT CERTIFICATE!!!!! <<NEWSLETTER ONLY>>

I've been fighting a running battle with Spectrum Internet for years and there's no sign that either side is relenting. It's like the Neo-Soviet/Ukrainian War, but with more explosions and lying.

From the second we chose Consolidated Communications at the shop in 2012, Spectrum has tried to overwhelm us with with mail, calls, and reps that "just happened to be in the area and love Two Salty Dogs!" Unfortunately, we already have Spectrum at our house (because we have no choice), so we know how painfully byzantine and expensive they are.

And we also get great service from Consolidated. For example, during Early Bird 2016, when all the surrounding businesses with Spectrum lost internet, we were fine. In fact, panicked word spread through town that we were one of the only stores that were still accepting credit cards when all the ATM's ran out. We were packed even more than usual. The reason Spectrum service went out? Scheduled maintenance. They didn't know Early Bird was one of the biggest commercial days in Boothbay Harbor and apparently they didn't care.

And we almost never have outages with Consolidated. The outages we do have are short or just a matter of resetting the modem and router.

Unless the CEO of Spectrum Michael "Mike" Blair shoved a giant man-eating snake in my bed at multiple random times every single night, there really is no way I'd switch to Spectrum. Even then, I'd almost rather be constricted to death and consumed whole.

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MAIL ATTEMPTS

I'm making a literal back-of-the-envelope calculation here: Spectrum has sent us almost 1/8th-ton of junk mail since we've been open. We get at least 6 small envelopes a week that say "OPEN IMMEDIATELY" or "FOR ADDRESSEE ONLY" in big red letters that are addressed ONLY to Don or Liana Kingsbury. Some are addressed to our late dog Maximus Gary. All have "Or Current Resident" as the secondary recipient.

Some of the smaller envelopes are heavy and stiff and contain a plastic card that entitles us to "premium service" and savings galore. Then there are the fake checks for $10,000 that are only valid on Neptune, and those large envelopes that are made to look like you won Publisher's Clearing House or been indicted by a grand jury (I know I'm dating myself with PCH and I don't care).

If you figure Spectrum has been sending us 6-ounces (0.375lbs) of junk mail a week, that works out to be:

(0.375 lbs/week) X (52 weeks/year) X 12 years = 234lb junk mail.

För våra svenska vänner:
(0.17kg/vecka) X (52 vecka/år) X 12 år = 106kg skräppost.

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CALLING ATTEMPTS

If I have the time, I like to get off telemarketer's lists organically. Sure, it takes more time than politely saying, "Please take me off your list," and theoretically they would have to. But where's the fun in that? It's much more fun to pretend you got your hand caught in a baler or your toddler just stabbed your kidney with an ice pick to let the Pokemons out, could you call later?

Here's an example that's exactly the opposite of what I just told you above:

Ring Ring!

Woman - "HI!!!!!!!! I'M FROM SPECTRUM BUSINESS AND WE HAVE A HUGE SPECIAL GOING ON!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Me - "......"
Woman - "HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD YOUR BUSINESS, SIR?!?!?!?!?!"
Me - "I forget.
Woman - "HAHA SIR! I UNDERSTAND BEING BUSY! WHAT KIND OF BUSINESS DO YOU HAVE?!?!?!"
Me - "I forget."
Woman - "ARE YOU MESSING WITH ME?!?!?!?!"
Me - "I think you've got it backwards."
Woman - <<Click>>

Alas, this technique only works with telemarketers that obey the "Do Not Call" law.

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REPRESENTATIVE VISITS

Every once and a while, some young, finely-dressed, over-confident-looking Spectrum Representative ushers themselves into my shop. If I'm not busy, they stride confidently over and offer me their hand with a gleaming smile. If I am busy, they bonk around the shop and stare at the ceiling. Some will even get a small item to purchase, which pretty much guarantees them a place at the checkout line.

I offer my hand after vigorously digging it in my crotch and coughing into it like I have a full-blown case of Herpes and Stage IV Tuberculosis.

Most are grossed out and get the message, but some of the smiling faces are undeterred. They are the REAL professionals and will do anything to close the deal. I notice they all use my hand sanitizer liberally.

We have a pleasant conversation about the weather and what a nice shop I have. Then the bomb is dropped: They're from Spectrum and they are very, very concerned about the viability of my business without Spectrum's partnership. Extremely concerned. In fact, Spectrum's CEO Michael "Mike" Blair spent so many sleepless nights thinking about Two Salty Dogs' future, he personally sent <<Rep's Name Here>> down from Corporate Spectrum to talk me off the ledge.

The conversations have all the hallmarks of a Mob shakedown. It would be a shame if my business didn't grow. They had seen it before. A nice business owner with tuberculosis like me refusing Spectrum's business package one day, and the next, WHAM!!! My telecommunications infrastructure crumbles like a sand castle. Then comes the tsunami of negative reviews on Google, Facebook, Yelp, Tripadvisor, The Weekly Shopper and United Airlines In-Flight Magazine "Hemispheres." The next thing you know, I've been disowned by my family, and all my dogs run away from me even if I have their dinner. That would be a shame, a REAL avoidable shame.

I loathe them, but you've got to respect the Spectrum Reps. 1) They're well dressed and stand out on the Maine Coast like a keg of beer and BBQ ribs at Ramadan 2) They are thoroughly despised by all business owners for their tenacity, 3) No jury in this land would ever convict anyone of assaulting a Spectrum Sales Rep. <<SARCASM>>.

The Rep brazenly lays a thick binder on my counter and asks to see my current Consolidated bill. I politely say that my wife would never allow me into the filing cabinet again unless there was another squirrel living in there.

Did he want some of my frozen burrito? The microwave just beeped. It was done. Was I under arrest? It was nice and warm, but not crispy like if I put it in a toaster oven. Did Spectrum have a package that included toaster ovens? Microwaving burritos made the burritos warm, but they were congealed, and in need of a toaster oven to make the outside layers crispy.

The good Reps don't miss a beat. They decline the congealed burrito and claim to know nothing about Toaster Ovens. They speak to me whilst looking directly in my eyes. They monotonously and rhythmically talk about The Unrivaled Supremacy of Spectrum, and how their beloved Leader and CEO Michael "Mike" Blair hopes to have microchips planted in 3/4's of his customer's skulls by the end of 2023 so they won't miss one second of the USFL season.

Of course this pitch is borrowed directly from Snake Charming 101. And that's where you've got to watch yourself. Some people become so enchanted by Spectrum Snake Charming 101 that they'll sign up for the most expensive Spectrum package available and are on the hook for $2,000 for several Ajit Pai FCC Memorial Dinnerware Sets.

Not me though. I handle this by continuing dig in my crotch and cough spastically in anticipation of our parting handshake. If the Snake Charmer is particularly aggressive, I'll dig in my butt with one hand and eat my burrito with the other such that spittle flies everywhere and the dogs start fighting over the refried beans that land on my boots.

Once the Spectrum Rep leaves, everyone lives happily every after, especially Michael "Mike" Blair, CEO of Spectrum Internet on his $25 million yacht.

ALL STORIES WERE MADE-UP, WRITTEN DOWN, AND ARE THE SOLE PROVINCE OF A FICTIONAL CHARACTER THAT CANNOT BE SUBPOENAED, "MIKE."

Did you just fear-pee a little after reading this? Then put on some protective undergarments and click here to guffaw at our entire June Newsletter: https://mailchi.mp/twosaltydogs/the-salty-paws-june-2023-7226079

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