A story of hope for humanity
There are approximately 774 people in the U.S. alone who have a near death experience (NDE) every day, according to the Near Death Experience Research Foundation.
On March 20, 1980, Peter Panagore became one of them.
In his new book, “Heaven Is Beautiful, How Dying Taught Me That Death Was Just the Beginning,” Panagore shares his experience - with the world.
Panagore is no stranger to those of us in the Boothbay region. He and his family, wife Michelle Miclette, and now grown children, Alexa and Andreas, have been part of our community since the mid-1990s. As 'The Rev' (my name for him) at the Congregational Church of Boothbay Harbor, he continually stressed the importance of each and every one of us having a relationship with God, and of the importance of meditation, particularly the Centering Prayer meditation that he practiced, to foster that relationship.
Panagore was unconventional. He delivered sermons behind the pulpit and among his congregation in the center aisle of the sanctuary. His sermons were never preachy, sometimes irreverent (one favorite example happened early on after his arrival at the church, and during the first sermon I ever heard of his. It was during Thanksgiving week and he referred to the Pilgrims as “up tight”), but always soulful. There was always a contemplative quality, and always always, the sermons were written, and related, like a story.
Most Mainers know about his natural storytelling abilities; he's been the face of Daily Devotions, a program of the First Radio Parish Church of America on Channel 6 since 2003.
I was there that day in 2001 when he bravely told the congregation about his near death experience (NDE) when he was 21. I think the boldest statement he made then, is one he reiterates in his book: he did not “believe” in God; he didn’t have to - he knew God was real.
As he writes in “Heaven Is Beautiful,” “One does not have to believe in what is Real. What is Real is Real; it requires no belief and no faith.”
Through vivid description and prose that is alternately detailed and straightforward, then lyrically reflective (his poet's heart shining through), Panagore takes us along on his first ice climb on Lower Weeping Wall, with his experienced climbing partner, Tim. We become invisible witnesses to the life and death situation that unfolded there in Alberta, Canada, on the side of Cirrus Mountain. The climb was 45 stories high and rated an ice grade of 4, meaning it would go vertical for 32 feet at a stretch. Panagore points out that the climb should have taken about seven hours to complete, but it took them closer to 12. While the other climbing teams that went up that day had already rappelled down the three pitches of 150 feet each, he and Tim were still on the mountain as the sun began to set.
The questions: Should they try to climb down – with only the moon to light their way, or should they make camp on the ledge (four times the size of a dinner table for 12) for the night – without cover? They decide to press on – to try to reach the bottom before they freeze to death.
Every time Panagore removes his mittens, exposing frozen fingers, to work with the rope, you wonder how he can possibly be making those fingers, burning from the cold by now, move. And, how could either of them have any strength left in their hands, arms and legs to continue moving let alone climbing?
It all comes down to that survival instinct. Panagore and Tim willed themselves to keep going despite not having any water or food left, despite the advancing stages of hypothermia … despite the fact their first rappel was 450 feet down to a landing, and their only light (until the moon rose) was the colored lights of the millions of stars and galaxies in the sky.
It was after the second rappel that Panagore had his near death experience. His description of feeling his body fall off the ledge, of falling into darkness, of the darkness (death) coming for him, the darkness he describes as a “soul-sucking vacuum, one with an overwhelming force of the most powerful gravity.”
Panagore's account of hearing God, of feeling God's love, when he is returned to his soul form is related with a sense of wonderment that the reader will “catch” and experience vicariously. He imparts this profound experience, and the knowledge derived from it – That God is Real; that we are all souls that live on beyond our physical bodies, and that we, in our true form, our soul form, are eternal.
He shares his brief journey into hell where he experiences all the pain he had ever intentionally or unintentionally inflicted on others (sin) only to return to the blissful peaceful darkness with God. Despite the beauty, love and peace he felt in Heaven, Panagore chose to come back to this world for love – love of family. And it is a choice that has haunted him ever since.
It's a choice that has resulted in his existing in two worlds simultaneously. He writes, “ … I've felt lost here on earth and in this world since the day I got back. I missed God. I missed the beauty. I had been in paradise, in bliss …”
To try to come to grips with what happened to him, Panagore attend Yale Divinity School where he earned a master’s in divinity.
Throughout his ministry, his devotion to attending to the dying and grieving within our congregation and throughout the community was well known. It was his gift. Who better to comfort a dying person than one who has been to the other side and knows firsthand what it is like to pass over.
“When I was with people who were dying I saw myself in them … I was afraid of dying. I was afraid of dying that night. That's where my will to survive came from, I was afraid of death,” said Panagore in an interview. “Working with the dying and mourning, giving comfort to those who were grieving … they were the most important people for me in my ministry. It seemed natural to me. Even without ever telling my story aloud, my confidence in the afterlife was something I didn't have to hide – or explain.”
Although his experience has helped him help others, since he died and came back there has been a longstanding side effect: he has always felt divided between there and here.
“From that night on everything was different,” Panagore said. “And everything I felt was never what I ever felt before. I was the same person, but completely changed. Dislocated in time and space … 70 percent of me remains on the other side.”
Panagore has met other NDEs while promoting “Heaven Is Beautiful,” and he says they, too, feel the same way. And, of those who have shared their experience with Panagore, like him, they no longer fear death.
“We know God is love. All of us know our mortality, and how temporary our bodies are,” Panagore said. “And, we're not afraid to go.”
Those who have lived to tell of their near death experiences also have a pressing need to talk about what has happened to them. For Panagore, the pressure to share his experience was great, but he spent decades blocking the pressure for fear of being misunderstood. This, he says, is the curse of being a NDE-er – that and having one foot on earth and the other in Heaven.
“You never forget what happened and the need to tell never goes away,” Panagore said. “My only concern was being considered a crazy kook. I'm not interested in converting anybody or convincing anybody. I know the reality of it. I can't un-know it.”
Now that this profound experience has been recorded in book form, he spends a great deal of time talking about it - at every book-signing.
At all of the (book) events, some people tell Panagore that God has a plan for him, or that he is living God's plan.
“I don't know about that,” Panagore said. “But every single Daily Devotion, every single sermon I have ever preached it's only about this. I only have one subject, I've written about it a thousand different ways. My goal has always been to be a storyteller. And it seems to me, that the story that needs to be told is the one that helps people find their way home.”
“Heaven Is Beautiful” is available at Sherman's in Boothbay Harbor, Maine Coast Book Shop in Damariscotta, on Amazon, and at Barnes & Noble. Panagore will be on “Coast to Coast” with George Noory, Sunday, Nov. 22, 2-5 a.m. broadcast on WVOM 1450 AM locally and on hundreds of stations nationwide. See http://www.coasttocoastam.com/stations.
Look for him at Sherman’s Book & Stationery here in Boothbay Harbor on Dec. 5, Harbor Lights Saturday.
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