Ladies and gentlemen. For your elucidation and entertainment, the United States of America presents the “Greatest Show on Earth:” The national political conventions.

This week we will feature the Democrats, the party of saints Franklin Delano Roosevelt, John Fitzgerald Kennedy and Barack Obama.

Next week, we will be treated to the antics of the Grand Old Party, the home of saints Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan and the incumbent president Donald J. Trump.

Having attended these spectacles, I can attest that they can be uplifting, loud, boisterous, sincere and silly. Look for lots of funny hats, American flag ties, suits, socks and oodles of buttons with witty and stupid slogans.

They can be a pain, too.

I don’t have to remind you we are in the midst of a pandemic that has taken the lives of upwards of 170,000 Americans and thrown our economy, and our lives, into a first-rate tizzy.

So, this time, the Dems and the Repubs will forego shoehorning delegations from the 50 states, party and public officials, the media (whatever that means), and special interest lobbyists, into a giant basketball arena.

Welcome to virtual convention land. Never fear, you will still see familiar and not so familiar political figures delivering boring speeches. Because we are supposed to wear masks and stay six feet away, most of the delegates will stay home. We will watch the speakers and other purveyors of political poppycock do their thing on TV, or your computer, tablet, or phone, if you prefer.

Note to seniors: They will be on late so you can still catch “Jeopardy.”

It is all OK by me, for I have listened to enough boring political speeches and consumed enough rubber chicken dinners, and torpid mashed potatoes to last me the rest of my life. But that is another story. However, I will miss the giant balloon drop. It was kind of cool.

The Democrat delegates will nominate former vice president Joe Biden as their presidential candidate. They will also choose Sen. Kamala Harris to be their vice presidential candidate.

Their counterparts will nominate the incumbent, President Donald J. Trump. They are scheduled to nominate the incumbent vice president, Mike Pence, to another term, although that is subject to the final OK by the presidential nominee.

Here is what the speakers will say: The Democrats will praise America, her people, her history and traditions, her military and veterans, her first responders and healthcare workers. They will also praise the Almighty, motherhood, apple pie and the American flag. Next week, the Republican speakers will say the same thing.

Speakers on both sides will suggest the other guys are in league with evil, chaos, Commies, the Jesse James gang, and the rest of the bad guy spectrum, including the Blue Meanies. Both will claim only they can rescue the nation from the depths of despair.

If you pay attention, you might find a few differences on topics like the pandemic, world trade, immigration policy, race relations, universal health care, income inequality, the economy, unemployment and, well, you know the rest.

Both sides will apply a scattershot approach to hit your hot button and trigger your support. They are not appealing to your intellectual side. They want you to feel they are the good guys, while the others are just awful.

One big difference this year is that the usual lineup of lobbyists will not be able to grab the pols and delegates in person. No longer will these smiling faces with $1,000 suits be able to throw their arms (and checkbooks) around greedy politicians and fawning delegates.

It is all political theater. Modern conventions are designed to invade your living room TV set with a prime time message that might convince you to cast your Nov. 3 ballot for their side. Any idea of an internal squabble is a mortal sin.

This year, I fear you will see a lot of hate speech and nasty rhetoric on both sides. From now until November, your TV set will feature lots of negative, snarky, smarmy and offensive ads.

Why? Because rule one of the political consulting class is that nasty ads work. Name calling works. It grabs your attention and might make you less likely to support the other side.

Please, don’t fall for that. Our neighbors, friends and relatives are Democrats and Republicans. Despite what you might hear at the conventions and TV commercials, they are not the devil incarnate. They are Americans just like us.

We are friends and family, and we argue and squabble. It is in our DNA.

Afterward, while maintaining a proper social distance, I pray we will come together, in person or on Zoom, to share bad jokes and cold beers. That is in our DNA, too.